Many couples believe a relationship should always be a 50/50 partnership when it comes to running a home. Household and other responsibilities are dealt out like cards: I’ll plan meals, you do the shopping. You manage our social calendar and I’ll pay the bills. But when one or the other feels they’re doing more than their “fair share,” resentment builds, and often, unresolved conflict ensues.
Making lists of 50/50 chores and responsibilities and checking them twice is not the way to approach finding relationship equality. This scorekeeping mentality fuels a begrudging attitude. Often devoid of appreciation for what your mate has done, keeping score shines a spotlight on what they’ve neglected.
According to relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, it’s important to have realistic expectations of each other and your relationship. No one’s perfect and accepting this is key to nurturing a “we’re in this together” attitude.
If there is mutual respect, patience, understanding, and flexibility, a couple can work toward achieving balance.
Often at the outset of a partnership, a couple may discuss, or have an unspoken “understanding” of, what each person’s role and responsibilities are within the current relationship.
However, relationships and people evolve and change over time, even day to day. This means, that the original agreement or understanding can and should shift. Sometimes, the shifting tides may not always result in a straight 50/50 split. Timing and circumstances may play into the equation and the couple needs to be okay with that temporarily. Agreeing on areas where one partner or the other can add value is the way to go.
There will always be times when one person will have to pull a bit more weight in the relationship. For example, if your partner has a big project due at work, they may work longer hours and not be up for cooking dinner, packing lunches, or taking out the garbage after four consecutive 12-hour workdays. Or, if you get a nasty cold, odds are, doing laundry or meal planning won’t be top-of-mind. This is where awareness of the situation and having compassion for your partner can go a long way in maintaining harmony.
Here are five things to consider to strike a relationship balance instead of keeping score:
1. Renegotiate responsibilities. This can be done quarterly, or in a timeframe that works best for you and your partner. This allows each of you to take turns doing tasks that aren’t appealing. It’s helpful to know that neither of you is “stuck indefinitely” with cleaning up after the dog.
2. Hold expectation conversations. If you or your mate has something coming up that will temporarily pull them away from household responsibilities, have a conversation in advance to set expectations. Or, if big life changes are in your future, like going back to school, traveling more for work, or starting a family, it’s vital to talk through what this adjustment might look like for you both.
3. Get curious. If you find yourself assuming your mate is slacking off on purpose, reframe your expectation to assume they’re doing the best they can. Ask yourself - or even better, ask them - What might be impeding their time or energy? Is this a time to temporarily take on (or outsource) some of their responsibilities?
4. Be aware of scorekeeping. If you find yourself scorekeeping, that’s another signal to have a conversation with your mate. It may be time to re-shuffle responsibilities or, if you have the financial resources, to hire others to take on tasks you can’t or don’t like doing.
5. Take a 100/100 approach. When each person gives 100% without expecting anything in return, both partners will have a better appreciation for one other.
Bottom line, with transparent communication and dedication to giving 100% to your partner and your relationship, you can stop keeping score and discover a happier, healthier, more balanced relationship.
Note: If this issue goes beyond chores and you find yourself spending considerably more time, energy, dedication, and love in your relationship than your partner, this is a deeper issue that may require professional guidance.