We are only as needy as our unmet needs. – John Bowlby, founder of attachment theory
From the moment we’re born, we begin forming relationships. As infants, we rely on our parents or caregivers to provide food, safety, security, and love. Building a relationship with someone who can meet our needs early on becomes a deeply embedded necessity. Humans are social by nature and having connections is part of our DNA. It’s a large part of what ensured our survival as a species. (In fact, research has shown that people with strong social networks live longer and have more fulfilling lives.)
As we move through life, we continue to seek connection with others, forming friendships and bonds that fulfill different needs. However, each person varies in their need for intimacy and closeness in a relationship, especially romantic ones.
Why is that?
Because each of us is a unique individual, our life experiences will shape our behaviors and determine how we react and respond in our relationships with others. This process starts in infancy and continues through adulthood. Along the way, we begin to form an attachment style based upon our personalities, our reactions to and responses from others and the environment around us. From our cumulative experiences, we then create a personal view of intimacy and closeness that we carry into each partnership, friendship, or familial connection.
Have we received reliable, consistent care, love, and attention or has the affection and attention we have received been intermittent or non-existent?
According to the science of adult attachment, individuals typically bring one of three behaviors into their romantic relationships: anxious, avoidant, or secure.
Each of these behaviors is a result of the data we’ve gathered through our collective personal experiences about what it means to be in a relationship.
Anxious Attachment
Anxious people believe they don’t deserve love, often because their needs in previous relationships went largely ignored or unmet. They are preoccupied with their relationships and are often concerned about whether their partner truly cares for them. Anxious people crave closeness. They also need constant reassurance of where they stand in a relationship.
Anxiously attached people:
· Put their partners on a pedestal
· Are anxious unless in their mate’s presence
· If their partner isn’t available, their sense of security divebombs and their stress skyrockets
· Will withdraw, become hostile, or make partner feel jealous when their anxiety is peaking
Avoidant Attachment
Adults with avoidant attachment styles learned to expect unavailability or rejection, which caused them to distance themselves emotionally from others. Those who are avoidant believe being in an intimate relationship is giving up your freedom. These people seek distance. Those who are avoidant push back against what they perceive as too much closeness or intimacy. Avoidants believe they are strong and independent – they don’t need or want anyone depending upon them or encroaching on their autonomy.
Avoidants:
· Keep things ‘fuzzy’ even in serious relationships. They often send mixed messages.
· Believe others want to pull them into more closeness than they're comfortable with
· Can maintain physical and emotional distance
· Always have an escape route
Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment have been in healthy relationships where they have had their needs attended to, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Secure individuals are warm, loving, and comfortable being in close relationships.
Securely attached people:
· Are comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy
· Are reliable, communicative, and reassuring
· They don’t play games; they tell you how they feel
· Their partner’s wellbeing is their top priority
Do any of these behaviors sound familiar?
They do to me. I was an anxious partner when I was young. I needed constant reassurance that my mate cared for me and that our relationship was solid. I craved closeness, which meant I was often clingy. In some situations, I was disrespected by partners because I was so needy. My anxious attachment style drove my partners away. It took me years to understand why. Eventually, I learned to love myself and not seek constant displays of affection and affirmation from my partners.
Attachment styles are formed based on our relationship history. Though they begin at birth with our parents and caregivers, as we get older, these styles can be confirmed or even shift as we forge relationships with others.
The field of adult attachment offers incredible insight into ourselves and our relationships. It provides a roadmap of understanding about why we, and our partners, behave the way we do.
Understanding our attachment style is the first step toward creating healthy, fulfilling, and connected relationships with your partner and those you love.
Are you interested in discovering your attachment style or that of your partner?
You can take a free compatibility quiz here.