I have no clue!

Have you ever asked your partner a question that resulted in an abrupt response like, “I have no clue”? This has happened to me on occasion, and I’ve often pondered the meaning of that retort. Is my partner being dismissive because he is preoccupied with something else? Is he simply disinterested in that subject and unwilling to help me explore further? Or, is it perhaps that I’m annoying him by asking a question I should have the intelligence, independence and curiosity to answer myself?

I’ve witnessed many a spat between partners, and have been a participant in a few standoffs myself, simply because the two parties had dramatically different communication styles. Whether you're the asker or the askee, take note of your intentions when requesting or responding to seemingly unimportant questions. A routine brush-off can add up and, in time, turn into a relationship “blister” that, when continued to be rubbed raw, becomes a bigger wound that is difficult to heal.

The next time you ask a question and your partner comes back with, “I have no clue,” first analyze the tone in which that response was said. Then, take the time to clearly state your reason for asking. Next, hear out your partner’s objections. Going the extra mile here might save some unnecessary misunderstandings; also, you just might find the answer by searching for it together.

Bustle Magazine: 6 Stories From Women Who Regret Changing Their Names

Thank you to Bibi Deitz at Bustle Magazine for including me in your article! Bustle is for & by women who are moving forward as fast as you are. 

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There seem to be quite a few women who regret changing their names when they got married. Maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time, but as time went on, it became clear that becoming a Smith when they'd spent their whole lives as a Jones was not the way to go. The thing is that there's no way of truly knowing how you'll feel about changing your name until you do it. Also, there are unpredictable pieces of the puzzle — one gal shared that she and her wife hyphenated their last names only to discover that a dash in a last name is a computer system nightmare.

"Name change is a huge decision with many personal ramifications," says Danielle Tate, founder and CEO of MissNowMrs.com, an online name-changing service. She created an eight-question quiz, The Married Name Game, that "uses key life factors and the bride's personal style to suggest thebest name change option for her (there are eight, including not changing her name)," Tate says.

The quiz, which has a patent pending on the algorithm behind it, is one way to go — but sometimes good old-fashioned advice passed down from those who have already had the experience is the best way to go. Here are sixwomen who changed their names when they got married — but wish they hadn't.

1. Cori, 31

My wife and I hyphenated our names when we got married last year, and now we really regret it. It seemed safer to have the same last name, just in case we ended up in the ER or some other situation where we'd want to be able to quickly demonstrate our ability to make decisions for each other.

As we quickly learned, the hyphen breaks computer systems. We've had endless hassles at airports, etc., because computer systems remove the hyphen and then our documents don't match our legal IDs. Renting a car or shopping online has become a huge hassle. We travel frequently, so not being able to use anything with automated kiosk adds a lot of time to every trip. It's a big reminder that most major computer systems are running off of cobbled-together code from the 60s. Thankfully Porter Airlines allows the hyphen, and they're the airline we use most often.

The hyphenated name also confuses every doctor's office, doorman, etc. I thought hyphenated names were pretty common, but apparently they're not. It seems especially absurd that this is such a problem in New York City.

If we could do it over again, we wouldn't have changed our names.

2. Jennifer, 27

I changed my last name after I married my husband, and often regret it. At first I was on such a high from being newly married that the name change didn't hit me right away. Now, after three years, I miss my maiden name and often feel like my family's heritage gets lost. People assume I am Irish because my new last name is Gallagher, when in fact I am Danish. I chose to change my last name because it is a long tradition in my family (my parents, sister and grandparents all changed their last name) and a romantic gesture. Plus, now that my husband and I have a son together we are all three tied together with one last name. If I could do it again, I would keep both my last name and my husband's last name with a hyphen, so it would read Jennifer Jensen-Gallagher.

Advice I would give women thinking about changing their name: If you are hesitant at all, then you will probably regret it later on. I suggest either hyphenate the two last names or change your middle name to your maiden name. Another alternative would be to change your last name legally but keep your Facebook name, Instagram handle, business cards, etc. with your maiden name. Best of both worlds!

3. Marilyn, 72

When I married in 1964, I changed my last name from Barnicke to Belleghem. Twenty-six years later my husband left me, and I had gained many friends, my educational degrees and all my professional reputation with his last name. It would have been professional suicide to revert to my maiden name. I started using my maiden name with my married name, and all sorts of people found me who never would have known who I was without doing this. Now, many years later, I am remarried and didn’t change my name. I suggest all women keep their maiden name, as life is a long time to lose your identity.

4. Erin, 44

I did not get married until 2002, when I was 30 years old. By then I had a career, a cat and a house. Unlike colleagues 10 years older, I did not want to have a hyphenated last name; it was either keep my own or take his. My then-fiancé worships his ancestors, and at that point in my life, I did not feel a particular kinship (pun intended!) with my own heritage. So I chose to go with his name.

So much has changed since the wedding, including going through a life-saving stem-cell transplant to keep me in remission from my 2011 leukemia diagnosis. In March 2014, my husband asked for a separation. I am now using my maiden name again for my work (as a writer) and my yoga teaching, but our divorce is not final. Therefore, I still have to sign all official documents with my married name, all my credit is in my married name, etc. If I had to do over again, I would keep my single name and identity. So much simpler than changing it (and changing it again). Today, a woman has no need to change her name after marriage and, for career and financial reasons, shouldn't.

5. Katherine, 49

Like most of my peers, I changed my last name to my husband's at marriage. That's tradition — it's simply what one does — or did. From that moment on, I felt like property of his — and branded! Goodbye maiden name identity; hello new label. And as it turned out, that particular label depreciated in value and meaning immediately, and continued on the decline for the next few decades. My name was not associated with someone else's misdeeds before marriage, but that changed and I was stuck with it. I had built an academic and professional resume using that undeserving name (plus my children had the name), so I got rid of the husband and kept the name. I still flinch at writing it as part of my signature. I always have. It doesn't look, sound or feel like me! And when someone asks about my heritage (after hearing the name), I simply state that I was not given the name at birth, but rather cursed with it through marriage.

6. Pam, 62

I married for the fifth time in 2013, and did not change my surname to my new husband's name, although I had done so four times before. Having grown up in the South and marrying for the first time at age 18, changing my name to my husband's gave me a sense of security and union with my partner. Each time I was divorced and remarried, I continued the cycle of taking my husband's name as that was a pattern I was accustomed to and always gave me a sense of belonging.

In retrospect, taking my husband's name each time affected my independence and personal identity. And, since I unintentionally turned out to be a multiple marrier, changing my name created a paper trail I can never get rid of — creating complications along the way.

When I recently married for the fifth and, hopefully, final time, I actually kept my fourth husband's name, which had been my name for almost 20 years. My new husband didn't mind at all, because he believed the decision to change my surname was my choice and not his, which is one of the reasons I believe this will be my final marriage.

My advice is to take into consideration your partner's feelings about changing your surname to his, but ultimately make your own decision depending upon what's important to you. Assess your lifestyle and how you feel about your identity and personal brand. It's your choice! Because at the end of the day, you are the one who has to carry that name.

BIBI DEITZ

Is Your Relationship Like Two Ships Passing in the Night?

I've just returned from a vacation with my husband in Sweden.  One morning I sipped a cup of coffee at the kitchen table in our rented apartment in Helsingborg, Sweden, looking directly across to Helsingør (Elsinore), Denmark. I was fascinated by the passenger ferries that glided across the water every 20 minutes or so,  shuttling residents and tourists from one country to another. 

I’ve taken the ferry twice from Sweden to Denmark, and back again.  Once, I hopped off in Denmark and spent a pleasant afternoon meandering the cobblestoned streets of Helsingør.  I was exposed to the fascinating history that explained why both countries were fierce opponents during medieval times.  I recall my curiosity as I visited the cafes, peeked inside the various shops and listened to the mostly-Danish language.   When I returned to Sweden later that day, I had a better appreciation for Denmark and an increased knowledge about the history of both countries. 

The only other time I took that same ferry ride, I had a lengthy, pleasant dining experience on the boat, going back and forth between the two countries for an entire afternoon.  But I never set foot onto the Danish shore, although I had at least two opportunities.  Instead, I was preoccupied with the social scene inside the boat, only occasionally glancing at the beauty of Kronborg Castle –immortalized as Elsinore in Shakespeare's play Hamlet -- perched on a lonely island that we passed by.    

This example shows how we make choices in life that are often short-sighted.  Given the opportunity for a “do-over,” I would have made time for a richer experience in Denmark that day. I really had no idea when, or if, I would ever get back there.

All too often, the second type of ferry experience happens in relationships.  Each partner moves in a hurried, independent fashion through daily life, preoccupied with his or her own desires.  Sometimes one partner will wave to the other from afar, but neither takes the time to discover who the other partner truly is and revel in the special, deep joy each can bring to the relationship. 

In short, by being like "two ships that pass in the night," the opportunity to experience a state of togetherness in the relationship is missed.  Several celebrity relationships have foundered, like a sinking ship, and ultimately ended recently – mostly due to each partner's preoccupation with their own career. 

Ask yourself:  Are my partner and I like two ships passing in the night?  If the answer is “yes,” why not make the decision to hop on the same ferry ride and experience the rich adventure of life together?

3 Steps to Repairing Relationship "Split Ends"

Sadly, this summer season has brought us the news of a number of celebrity breakups.  Some of these splits have been more or less expected; others, not so much.    Not surprisingly, when the separation and impending divorce announcements about these high-profile couples surfaced publicly, the spousal party lines seemed to come from pretty much the same scriptwriter:   “ Each of us will now spend time focusing on our children and our careers during this difficult period.  And, we are parting as friends.”

Naturally, I’m a champion of “focusing on the needs of the children,” as the little ones seem to suffer most when parents make the decision to break up the family unit.  And, “focusing on the work" as a way for each divorcing adult to stay grounded is a very common, and all-consuming, activity at a time of personal transition. It helps us take our minds off the pain, anger and confusion surrounding this major life event.  I know, I’ve done everything but reflect on the past when I had to face my own “split ends” situations.  I just stopped briefly at the crossroads, looked around, and hastily moved on; my ex took one path and I took the one going in the opposite direction.

Here are my three steps for repairing relationship “split ends”:

1.       Look back before rushing ahead.  Find out what environmental stresses played a role and what negligent and, perhaps, harsh treatment by each party may have led to your split ends.

2.       Take time to nourish and restore yourself when dealing with a split ends situation.  Focusing on repairing the damage to yourself will bring you back healthier than before, much more quickly.

3.       Go out into the sunshine of life this time with the knowledge and self-awareness that will give you the ability to prevent and protect yourself from facing split ends in the future.

So, if you experience a “split ends” time in your life, don’t just ignore the "reasons why it happened" by focusing on everything but the cause of the situation.   Be excruciatingly honest with yourself. Vow to find out the real cause of the split ends, so you never find yourself in that situation again!

Riding out the Perfect Storm

Recently, I was asked to serve on a panel at the Annual Better Marriages Conference, which was held July 9-12 in St. Louis. The conference is intended to educate couples and help them continue to build healthy relationships.

 As a multiple marrier (one who has been married 3 times or more – as 5 percent of the U.S. adult population has), I was both flattered by the invitation to speak at the conference and puzzled as to why someone with my background would be a desirable role model for couples who are happily married, and perhaps to the same person for, say, more than 30 years.

Was it simple curiosity that attracted the crowd to our session?  Perhaps I was like the circus entertainer on the panel who could tiptoe across a tightrope 40 feet off the ground, or survive being shot out from a cannon?  What awe-inspiring acts would the audience be seeking from a person who had been unable to keep not one, but a few marriages alive?  Thank goodness my part of the act would be complemented by two distinguished guests, Priscilla Bass, Ph. D., and Patricia Bubash, M.Ed. Author of Successful Second Marriages, who could provide a safe harbor if I found myself drowning in deep water.

To my surprise, not only was I well-received by both the audience and the panel, but our message resonated with many people.  It seems that whether you are in your very first committed relationship or marriage, or your third, chances are you will eventually have to deal with threatening winds (nagging and bickering), a squall (a job loss or relocation) or even that 50-foot wave that seems to crest from nowhere (sudden and/or a life-threatening discovery).  We three experts had hard-earned wisdom to share and solid practical knowledge that any individual or couple could benefit from.

So, check out our panel's PowerPoint presentation. It might be just what the doctor ordered, for yourself, your partner, a friend or a loved one.   Safe for all ages, and for all stages of your relationship or marriage. ;-)

Here’s to your smooth sailing!

When You Let Happiness Go

This week, another celebrity couple, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, announced their parting of the ways, after a 10-year marriage. According to the latest national data from the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), the likelihood that a couple will celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary today isn't much greater than a coin toss. Sadly, Ben and Jennifer will contribute to those statistics, as it appears that “tails, you lose” is the outcome of their coin toss.

I have to ask: Are Ben and Jennifer really ready to let happiness go? Have they exhausted all the possibilities of reassessing their priorities and improving their communication in order to find equality and balance in their marriage?

Perhaps a quote from Russian writer Maxim Gorky (1868-1936), says it all, “Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is.”

I hope Ben and Jennifer understand the magnitude of their decision. I hope they don’t look back one day and lament, “We once held happiness in the palms of our hands, and we let it go." Despite their counseling and trial separation along the way, it seems Ben and Jennifer just couldn’t find a way to hold on to the happiness they once shared.

Best of luck, you two!

Remembering Past Relationships

Father’s Day gave me a reason to remember past relationships that I once cherished, but now have lost.  My Dad passed away six years ago and, although I am close to him in spirit, the relationship we once enjoyed can no longer be.  It is very much the same story when it comes to my former partners and spouses.  The association has now vanished and only the memories remain.

When looking in the rear view mirror at relationships you may have had with former lovers, spouses or friends, take a moment to examine the reason why and when they entered into your life and what they may have contributed to your personal growth during the time you were connected.  Have no doubt that we are not taking our earth-bound journey alone, but will share our path from time to time with individuals who may appear for some reason or the other.  Those relationships whether brief or lingering, help mold us as individuals and teach us life lessons that we wouldn’t learn if we were traveling solo.

I’m grateful for the time I had with my Father who was a great teacher and instructed me to never give up on myself or lose faith in the magic of life.  And today, I am also thankful to those ex partners, spouses and friends who traversed my winding road with me for a bit and taught me some lessons, as well.

Here’s to past relationships.  After all, didn’t Alfred Lord Tennyson write, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

What’s the Backstory?

Isn’t there always an explanation, a two-way rationalization or something that makes up the “behind the scenes” when we hear the shocking news about another Hollywood celebrity couple who has decided to consciously uncouple?  What is it with Ben and Jennifer?   I thought they were solid.  Well, I guess they are falling into the category of 40% of all marriages that end before the 20 year mark.  But, why?  Don’t they have successful careers, a beautiful family, notoriety and everything the average person could possibly wish for?

Perhaps, we’ll never know what has motivated them to terminate their 10-year marriage.  However, I hope they recognize their own backstory, have come to terms with it and have learned some lessons before they move on.  Otherwise, they stand the chance of repeating their relationship mistakes in the next, best relationship or marriage. 

Best of luck you two! 

Check out the most expensive celebrity divorces: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/english/hollywood/news/The-most-expensive-divorces-in-celeb-dom/articleshow/47482417.cms

Don’t Keep Secrets when the Perfect Storm is Brewing!

Becky Whetstone’s Huff Post Divorce article entitled “Is Your Marriage Dying?  Know in 3 Minutes Using this Diagnostic Tool” triggered me to reach back into my memory. What happened when I recognized I was discontented in a relationship or marriage?  Lo and behold, I actually traversed the four stages of a dying marriage Dr. Whetstone talks about every single time I, well, again wanted to be single.

Just as Dr. Whetstone described, the process would begin with the first stage, disillusionment, the realization that I was sad and frustrated, followed by, “Oh, well, if I just keep my head down and try harder, this unhappy feeling toward my partner will pass, and so will his emotionally abusive behavior." 

I would simply keep quiet and adopt a fake smile as I went about my daily business, hoping this was just a phase that would lead me to the safe side again. But really, I recognized that the perfect storm was brewing in my relationship; this was the second stage, erosion.  And then, the real and present danger of the third stage, detachment, would appear.  I started living an imaginary new life, fantasizing what it would be like to be with a partner who really loved, respected and admired me.  And, although most people thought I was a “Goody Two Shoes” as pure as the driven snow, I must say I drifted on occasion (with thanks to Mae West for that unforgettable quote). 

I did keep myself occupied with work and friends, but I dreaded Friday nights, when I would have to go home and spend the entire weekend walking on eggshells.  Then stage four, the point of no return, would set in.  The cumulative effect of all those hurtful remarks and actions would crescendo silently, awaiting the moment when the unforgiveable insult would fly, followed by the unforgettable argument that would finally help me muster up the courage to proclaim that I was throwing in the towel.  By then, there was no turning back.  And speaking of back, the door often hit me in the backside as I was running out to seek a safe haven and a better life somewhere…anywhere...hopefully, with someone else.

I wonder how things would have turned out if, every time I experienced extreme unhappiness in a relationship or marriage, I hadn’t chosen to keep it all a big secret? My friends and family often had no idea I was suffering or contemplating a sudden, dramatic move.   And, more importantly, neither did my partner or spouse. I figured it was my problem, and I would have to deal with it myself.  What if I had had the courage to address the relationship issues head-on at stage one, disillusionment?   I might not be wearing the MM (Multiple Marrier) Scarlet Letter today.

So do yourself a favor. Don’t keep your secret fears and plans to yourself when the winds start howling and the waves start rising around your relationship.   Speak up early, be transparent, and give yourself and your partner a fair chance to find a solution together.  Taking a small step toward resolution during the disillusionment stage may prevent your marriage from becoming a full-blown casualty.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/becky-whetstone-phd/is-your-marriage-dying-kn_b_7216140.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

Why Knot?

I was touched by a May 1st article that appeared in the Manchester Guardian, a UK publication, about a couple who reunited after having divorced some 27 years earlier.  Not only did they find one another and reconnect, they actually chose to get remarried within three weeks of their reunion!  I have to say “Hats Off” to that couple for putting the past in the past and making the brave decision to pick up where they left off, in order to live happily ever after…this time for keeps.

How many of us, in our young adulthood, made similar immature, un-thought-out, abrupt decisions to end our marriages, without ever taking the opportunity to truly address the source of our discontent and explore options together that might have solved the problem at hand and saved the marriage?   One has to wonder: if Ann had been a little more flexible and if Chris had listened more closely to Ann’s cry for help, could their marriage have been saved years ago?

Far be it from me to throw stones, as I have definitely lived in glass houses on occasion.  Like Ann, I too fled my first marriage, mostly out of boredom. Also, I definitely felt neglected by my spouse, who was charting his own career and life course while I was floundering, trying to figure out my own passion and purpose.  Had my first spouse and I enough awareness to figure out what was causing us to slip out of relationship alignment, I feel quite certain we would be celebrating our 44th wedding anniversary today.  If we simply had initiated several open and honest discussions about my feelings of inadequacy and neglect, I’m quite sure that with a little understanding and compromise on both sides, we could have found our way back together again.  

Long ago I put my pride and ego aside in order to accept responsibility for my own actions back in 1978, when I made the unilateral decision to exit that first marriage.  Little did I know at the time, however, that my lack of maturity, patience and self-awareness would set me on a path that would lead to a string of unhappy marriages for many decades.   I’m in a very happy marriage now, but I wonder had I met my first spouse some years ago and after my lessons learned, if I would have given love a second chance.  Interestingly enough, my present husband has many of the same characteristics as my very first husband and my current husband and I are extremely compatible.  We cherish each day together.

I strongly recommend that if one or both parties in a marriage feels that their relationship is getting off track, they immediately take steps to address the issue(s) head-on before taking the drastic measure of throwing in the towel.  If couples would only strategize their lives, both as individuals and within the couples unit, more relationships and marriages could be saved.  On the other hand, if you have learned some valuable life lessons and then somehow get a second chance at love again with your first spouse, I say “Why Not Tie the Knot?”

Click here for link to article.

 

Lighten Your Emotional & Spiritual Load!

This weekend, I visited the New Living Expo in San Mateo, CA.

Official New Living Expo | 2015-14th Annual New Living E...

Every spring, the Expo attracts learners, changers, and explorers of alternative thinking and being, health, and spirituality. I was a participant in this annual, dynamic event where I experienced the unexpected and left with new found knowledge and awareness. I was particularly intrigued by the booth offering personal "Aura photographs".  I didn't hesitate.  I just had to have mine taken.  My reading indicated that the golden rays surrounding my head represented creativity, courage and leadership and the dark red color hovering over the top of my head represented the letting go of past relationships I no longer needed.  Do you have past relationships or negative energy you should allow to rise to the top of your being and then dissipate?  Think about it.  Could you lighten your emotional and spiritual load by releasing heavy, unnecessary energy that may be weighing you down?  I recommend letting go of past connections that no longer serve a purpose in your life or bring you joy.  I've resolved to doing just that. Perhaps that is why I'm sporting such a happy glow in the photo!

Wake-Up Call!

I read a rather interesting article this week entitled “Women divorced multiple times twice more prone to heart attack,” by Karla Fetrow.

http://www.worldtechtoday.com/women-divorced-multiple-times-twice-more-prone-to-heart-attack/21691

A Duke University study has revealed that a woman who has been divorced once has a 24 percent greater chance of experiencing a heart attack than a happily married woman.  Furthermore, the disturbing news that this percentage actually doubles for a woman who has been divorced more than once forced me to sit up and take notice.  Why?  Because I am a multiple marrier, or should I say, a multiple divorcée who has experienced the stress of a relationship breakup more than once.  Along with the usual concerns a woman faces while going through the dissolution of a marriage, when one is thrice-divorced or more, often shame and guilt are added to the mix. It is hardly surprising, then, that potential health issues may eventually arise and possibly accumulate, when one is faced with devastating loss time and time again.

After multiple divorces and a 13-year hiatus from marriage, I chose to wed once again.  I am now in a stable and happy marriage. Today my life is filled with joy, my heart has healed and I truly hope my percentage for heart attack risk has decreased dramatically despite my multiple divorce record.  My wake-up call to start repairing my broken heart came when I began to accept responsibility for my past mistakes, release the guilt and anger, discover self-awareness and was determined to change my life for the better, with or without a future spouse. 

So if you have also experienced the trauma of multiple divorces, do a health check.  Ask yourself, “Am I on the path to recovery?” “Am I practicing self-love?”  "Am I making my own sunshine every single day of my life, despite the marital troubles I have experienced?”  If you believe in the old adage “mind over matter,” then establishing a positive outlook will help you overcome previous emotional setbacks.  Before long, you’ll be striding down a healthy life path again.  

So, listen to your wake-up call and take action to put the past in the past once and for all.  Despite what the Duke University survey says about women who've been divorced several times being at a higher risk for a heart attack, perhaps we can all beat those odds by practicing good heart health -- going forward with our lives every day in a positive manner! 

Do Relationship Time-Outs Really Work?

Actress Emma Stone and her beau, actor Andrew Garfield, have just announced that they are “on a break,” with respect to their relationship.  They assure us, though, that it’s not over completely; this is simply a time-out.  Wow!  Where did they get the idea that relationships can only be sustained if there are periodic breaks?  Did they learn that time-out thing from their Baby Boomer parents, whose disciplinary skills probably included looking the other way when their children seemed unmanageable?   My question is this:  If everyone is non-communicative during a time-out, how will they ever learn to address the real issue(s) involved?  Then, when the time-out is over and everyone reverts back to their same old behavior and actions, won't that inevitably lead to future time-outs?

The Examiner.com article about Emma and Andrew’s long-distance relationship woes says they have been “dating” for three years.  So, wait a minute.   Does dating -- sharing fun activities, hanging out whenever possible, talking on the phone and on email -- mean you're actually working on developing a committed relationship?  Sounds like the answer is no, since our young stars complain that they don't have enough quality time to spend together after putting in long hours making movies.

Emma and Andrew are blaming their need for a relationship hiatus on the hard grind of working in the entertainment industry.  But, at the end of the day, it’s their choice whether or not to make their relationship a top priority.  They need to ask themselves: Are we honestly dealing with our self-interest, egos, workaholic tendencies and control issues?  Are we willing to put everything out on the table, be transparent and honest about our relationship and lifestyle pros and cons, and even admit we might possibly be candidates for couples’ coaching? 

The stars can simply sweep their relationship problems under the rug, hide out for a few months in their respective residences and then appear at the next Hollywood gala hand in hand, wearing superficial smiles and hoping they can pull off their “We’re in it forever (albeit with occasional time-outs)” explanation  for the TV cameras, and their adoring fans.  Isn't that easier than just calling it quits, saying “next,” and looking for that new lover who is more exciting to jump into new adventures with?

Bottom line: Why pretend you're willing to do the hard work necessary to sustain a relationship, when your real, and transparent, priority is to be a star on the set of your next movie? 

If the new trend for Hollywood couples is to say, “I need a time-out” when the relationship waters have become a bit choppy, how about the truth? “See ya, pal.  I might get back to you later, when and if I feel like it." But the party line to the public? "We just need a break, but our relationship isn’t really over.”   

Wouldn’t it be better for Emma and Andrew to be more open and honest and tell their fans that the relationship needs work? If the couple has in fact taken their relationship beyond simple courtship, and truly love and respect one another, isn’t it worth genuine effort and a little investment in time and money for relationship counseling, so they can get back on track?  Rather than "We need a break," they could say, if they mean it: “We’re in this for the long haul, and we’ll get back to you with our progress!"

Click on the Examiner.com article below:

http://www.examiner.com/article/emma-stone-andrew-garfield-splitting-long-distance-relationship-issue

Heads You Win, Tails You Lose

Many of us have been dumped by a lover, spouse or employer who then announces,“You’re not good enough” -- to remain in this partnership, or on this team.  Chances are, this has happened to you more times than you care to admit.  And then you've had to deal with feelings of self-doubt, low self-esteem and anxiety about what awaits you in the future.  It seems as though that traditional coin-toss exercise  --heads, you win; tails, you lose -- happens when we least need or expect it. 

But wait a moment!  We don’t have to automatically buy into someone's “You’re not good enough” assessment.  That’s only their opinion.  Oftentimes, because other people want to change us into their image of what we should be, they refuse to recognize our intellect, talents or inner or outer beauty because their standards are different from ours.

So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where a coin has been flipped and has landed at your feet with the tails side up, ready to crush your dreams, take a moment to reflect on the past.  There may be lessons here to help you navigate and/or avoid relationships or encounters that can lead to future disappointment.   

How about this idea?  Take a coin out of your own pocket and flip it over to the “positive,” or heads, side.  Look at this brand-new opportunity to grow, to try something different by taking bold, inspired action, and to follow your dreams, either by yourself or with your next partner, spouse or employer.  Seize this chance to practice self-love and perhaps, to find a new person who will truly appreciate you for your knowledge, talents and potential contribution to the partnership.

But when you do seek your next partner or employer, make sure to thoroughly vet that person before you make a commitment.   Be sure the person you're thinking of coupling with recognizes your value in a way that will inspire, motivate and challenge you to be the best you can be.  You want that person to truly honor and celebrate your authentic self!

So if you are tempted to buy into that “You’re not good enough” assessment that someone has told you, stop!  Hold your head up high and announce, “Heads, I win”!  On to the next challenge…

Why Don’t We Bother to Ask the Tough Questions?

Rather than plunging heart first into a relationship and then proclaiming, “I have found him/her!”, try putting on the brakes and start asking some very important relationship questions EARLY that will help you: 

·       identify what is important to YOU

·       better understand your potential partner’s values, behaviors, desires, lifestyle

·       explore and examine both parties’ earlier life experiences

·       recognize a relationship red flag before it is too late

·       discover individual and mutual goals for the future and relationship expectations

Check out this article:  30 Important Questions to Ask Before We Commit to a Relationship

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/12/30-important-questions-to-ask-before-we-commit-to-a-relationship/

I wish I had asked myself the questions in this article each time I thought “This is the One!”  It never occurred to me that open, honest communication was critical to relationship success.  And, that tough conversations were necessary in order to vet my partner and make decisions that would be right for me.  Today, I say…Get it out on the table and let the chips fall where they may before making that relationship commitment.

So, when you are busy checking off that list of superficial relationship items - looks, charm, profession and so on – slow down and take it one step further.  Have the courage to do the self-discovery and mutual examination.  Had I done this, I most certainly would have had fewer relationships and marriages on my timeline.

On Again and Off Again Relationships

I happen to be a fan of Katy Perry and John Mayer.  They are cute and I love their music.  As a couple, they perform well together on stage, too.  But, I’m not so sure their performance as a romantic couple will stand the test of time.  Why?  Because, they break up a lot.  Not surprisingly, there are other celebrity couples who behave the same way - Jessica Biehl and Justin Timberlake, to name another pair.   One month they’re gracing the cover of a magazine, the next you are reading the headlines that they’ve gone their separate ways, but are still friends.  Uh huh, right.

We’ve all heard of or have witnessed couples who seem to have those “on again/off again” relationships.  This constant push-pull type of romance makes me wonder what is really going on inside the eye of the tornado.  When things are going well, are they really that good?  And, when the breakups happen and the big reunion follows, I wonder why these couples stay together.  I’m not judging; I just want to know:

-          Is it the thrill of chasing a runaway?

-          Is it the thrill of being the runaway who is being chased…again and again?

-          Is it the exciting, great sex that occurs when the couple reunites?

-          Is it the familiarity of the relationship?  You know all the twists and turns on the roller coaster ride, so you can predict the rise and fall?

-          Is it the promise of better times ahead (along with some material benefits) following the “kiss and makeup” session that keeps one hanging in?

-          Is it better to be with the known (your partner) than the unknown (alone or with a worse partner)?

-          Is it that the drama adds a little extra spice to the already up and down relationship?

Perhaps it is some or all of the above which still makes for an unhealthy relationship.  If a couple doesn’t honestly and openly address the reason for the constant breakups and seek some relationship counseling, they may be in it for the long, unhappy haul.  Who needs the tears, anger, anxiety and battered self-esteem?  It can’t be good for one’s heart or overall mental and physical well-being for that matter, even if you STILL love somebody.  Being addicted to anything isn’t healthy.  I say “kick” the addiction with help or if that doesn’t work, move on!

The Cat is Out of the Bag

I just read the news that Billy Bob Thornton’s recent marriage to longtime girlfriend, Connie Angland leaked to the public yesterday.  Billy Bob and Connie were secretly wed in a private ceremony on October 22, 2014 and we are just learning of it now.  At first I was amazed that, as a celebrity, Billy Bob wanted to and was able to keep his marriage to Connie on the q.t. for several months.  Then, I stopped to think!  As a multiple marrier just like Billy Bob, I too, wanted little fanfare when I said my vows just one year ago for the fifth time.  I returned to work a few days later acting as though nothing unusual had happened over the Christmas break.  If one looked closely, though, they could see a new ring on my left hand, a small framed wedding photo on my desk and my sheepish smile when I was asked about how I spent my holiday.  I was hoping my new circumstances would seem like no big deal to anyone else, although it was a big deal to me “privately”.

Billy Bob and I have a lot in common.  We both experienced a string of marriages in our earlier years that ended on a sad note each time.  However, it appears we have finally learned how to have a healthy, long-term relationship that has led us down the aisle just one more time.  Perhaps the sixth time is the charm for Billy Bob and the fifth one is for me.  Time will certainly tell.  But at least, the 10 years Billy Bob and Connie have had together prior to marriage and the almost 10 years my spouse and I took to road-test our relationship before saying our “I Do’s”, is a good barometer.

Now that the “cat is out of the bag”, I hope Billy Bob can relax and go forth with confidence that he can, indeed, do marriage.  Hopefully, no one will continue to judge Billy Bob for the decisions he made yesterday, as it is who he is today and the lessons he has learned along his journey, that really count.  May the sixth time be his lucky charm!

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