It’s Never Too Late to Save Yourself!

I just read a Huffington Post article about a woman whose marital journey somewhat resembled my own relationship and marriage experiences.  Although I did not enter into and remain for many years in an unhappy "arranged" marriage like this divorced mom, I certainly can relate. I embarked on my own matrimonial path at the very tender age of 18 and unwittingly assumed the subservient spousal role, just as she had done.  

In fact, I found myself playing this same role over and over again, not in one long marriage, but in four shorter ones…you see,  I am an unintended multiple marrier.  Just like the woman in this story, I learned how to keep my head down, focusing on fulfilling my spouses' daily needs and wishes, while completely ignoring my own.  As “the helper” in these relationships, my entire purpose was to satisfy my husband. What happened was that, over time, I lost not only my identity but even my fun-loving spirit, in addition to my self-confidence.  It took tremendous courage to finally arise from the ashes of low self-esteem and self-worth and discover that I had personal power, I had choices, I had ME.

I am so deeply touched by this woman’s story, told by her loving daughter, and am excited to share it with others.  My hope is to inspire individuals who may find themselves in similar relationships or marriages to have courage. Choose a life that will bring you true personal happiness, despite family and societal pressures – no matter what your age is.  Yes, you will have to make deep, basic changes in perspective, and that will test the depths of your determination, but you can do it!  

This woman’s determination to take positive steps toward improving her life to make it suit her authentic self, mirrored the drive I had years ago when I finally realized that I could break free of my unhappy relationship cycle and actually reclaim my heart, my body and my soul.

Just a friendly reminder: The road to happiness may be winding, rocky and seemingly endless at times.  But when you finally reach your destination, you will be greeted by the feeling of abundant peace and joy because you proved to yourself that you could do it all on your own. It’s Never Too Late to Save Yourself!  You just have to start somewhere and go for it with all your energy!

Cameron and Benji – Square Peg, Round Hole?

I was recently asked if I thought Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden had a chance for a good marriage because, well, they seem so different.  The follow-up question was:  Do I think women marry men who are different than they are and if so, why?

When I think about my past husbands (and I’ve had a few), they all had completely different appearances.  Since I didn't choose men based on their looks or style alone, I'm not sure I have a clear-cut answer about choosing someone who looks very different from me.  I never said, "I’m looking for a tall blonde guy with an athletic build."  That guy would have been different from me, indeed! Nor did I say, "I’m looking for a man of average-height, with dark brown hair and my avocado green eyes, so we will be a matched set."  Thank goodness!  How boring that would have been!

If we are going by looks and the free-spirit vibe, that could be exemplified by the (now-defunct) marriage of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.  Sandra, like Cameron, was  somewhat traditional in her style while Jesse (like Benji) was...well, covered with body art and had his own gig going on . Perhaps both Sandra and Cameron saw past the tattoos and found other qualities and assets attractive.  On the other hand, maybe the gals found their guys’ branding appealing, but just didn't go for excessive inking themselves.   I do think Sandra tried to be a square peg in a round hole, because I don't believe Jesse's lifestyle was really her choice...tattoos or no tattoos.  Jesse was superficial, had a completely different circle of friends from Sandra, and had an agenda from the start. Had Sandra conducted a thorough reference check prior to marriage, she might have picked up on red flags, but that could have prevented her paying the piper later.  Oh well…

Outside of physical appearance, let’s look at what seems to be consistent in Cameron’s coupling choices.  Although she has dated about eight men with differing personalities over the years, she always seems to have gravitated toward guys who love music, acting and sports.  So, there is a common thread in the men she dates in terms of their interests and what they bring to the party. Think fun, excitement, and creativity.  Her choice of Benji is no exception.

Another theme I see in Cameron's relationships is that her guys have all been with very "public figures" like herself, not ordinary people.  So Cameron and her past loves have had to deal with the pressures and scrutiny that come with being celebrity figures, grueling work and travel schedules, figuring out how to prioritize the relationship and let's not overlook...yes...the ego or power struggle that can enter into the equation. Again, it will be no different with Benji, as they are both in the public eye and will need to deal with the baggage that comes with being famous. Now that they are married, there should be that extra incentive to focus on creating some semblance of life balance and making their relationship a priority while maintaining their own personal identities and managing their career ambitions.

The jury is still out as to whether this ultra-short romance, split-second engagement and “surprise” marriage can sustain itself over the long haul.   What were the motives for tying the knot so quickly?  Was it a truly equal and enthusiastic decision or one in which one of the partners was in Command and Control and influenced the other? Is there a hidden timeline (i.e., starting a family) that was the deciding factor?  Also, with the relatively short courtship, did Cameron and Benji have the time to "vet" one another properly, which includes observing the other partner in a variety of situations to be able to "road-test" the relationship before it goes "live" on the big screen with a marriage contract?  

If their love is to extend beyond the exciting eros type found in brand-new relationships, when they refer to "love" and talk about "being comfortable with the other" they must include trust, compassion, involvement and shared values in the mix, if this first marriage is to be both lasting and their last marriage.

Despite the fact that this is both Cameron’s and Benji’s first marriage, Cameron needs to ask herself, Am I aware of and have I corrected all of my mistakes from my string of previous relationship failures?  Am I committed to doing something very different this time around to ensure that our marriage works?   If she can do some soul-searching and answer these questions in the affirmative and Benji can do the same, they may become long-term soul mates.

More than based on looks and physical style, their values and their emotions will determine if Cameron and Benji will be the right fit for the future.   Will she be that square peg trying to fit in the round hole lifestyle or will it be the other way around? What if they both smooth their rough edges to fit comfortably into marriage?  We’ll see.  For right now, it’s anyone’s guess, but we’re all still hoping for the very best.  Hey, that rhymes! 

 

If You Can’t Be With the One You Love….Love the One You're With…

I married for the first time in 1971, at the ripe young age of 18.  That was the same year Stephen Stills released the song “Love the One You’re With.”  Interestingly enough, the song came about as a result of a comment made to Stills by UK-based soul singer Doris Troy.  Stills was attending a party in London and openly expressed his longing for his girlfriend, who was back in the States at the time.  Troy responded with “Love the one you’re with, Sugar!”  Stills liked the comment so much that he asked Troy if she minded if he used it in a song.  She agreed, and that song goes down in rock history as one of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young’s greatest.

When that famous song hit the charts in 1971, I related well. I, too, had experienced the emotional roller coaster that comes with a long-distance relationship…mostly, the dips that occurred, as we spent more time apart than together.   However, I never would have taken Troy’s advice to find an artificial substitute (another boyfriend) to satisfy my desire for love and intimacy.  I stuck it out for two tough years, living on one highly anticipated phone call each weekend, writing love letters to him, and reading and re-reading shoeboxes full of love letters from him that filled in the gaps.   That longing for my sweetheart, who was away at college,  finally led me to a premature walk down the aisle and a ring exchange upon my high school graduation. 

Little did I know that the desperate need to be “with the one I loved” at such a tender age would set me on a path of unintended sequential marriages for a 28-year period, until I learned how to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Today, when I hear the lyrics to the song “Love the One You’re With,” I have a totally different interpretation.  For me, it’s no longer about pining for a lover who is far away or impulsively making a decision to satisfy that longing with a substitute flame; it’s about “loving the one you’re with'…but this time, I'm referring to ME! 

It took me so many years to understand the importance of self-love.  Like it or not, we are the one we’re with, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year… with or without a partner.  Loving ourselves first helps set the stage for a life full of joy and fulfillment, and can often reduce our appetite for, or possibly lessen our addiction to, romantic love and the drive to chase that idyllic relationship rainbow.

I finally have a deep desire to see myself be truly happy.   There’s no substitute for the satisfaction of loving and accepting oneself…unconditionally.

Remarriage Is on the Rise in the U.S.!

The Pew Research Center has just released interesting social and demographic findings about remarriage.  The article, Four-in-Ten Couples are Saying “I Do,” Again http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/11/14/four-in-ten-couples-are-saying-i-do-again/ struck me as not all that surprising.  As a multiple marrier (someone who has been married three times or more), I immediately honed in on the stats in the study to validate my assumptions about how many of these people had been married before.  (Actually, five percent of the U.S. population are multiple marriers.) 

Sure enough, at least one partner in the marriages in this study had been married before, and in two out of 10 of these marriages, both people had walked down the aisle before.  Of “Three-Timers” in the 55-and-older age group, 33 percent are multiple marriers, as are 25 percent of "Three-Timers" between the ages of 45 and 54.  Since newly married adults under the age of 45 were much less likely to be entering into their third marriage, could that mean that younger people are "getting marriage right" earlier?

The study also noted that 9 percent of high school diploma-holders were likely to be saying their wedding vows for the third time, versus 5 percent of people with a bachelor's degree.  Almost double! 

Pew Research states that since people are living longer, there is a higher likelihood that we will become widowed or divorced during our lifetime, which may translate into more scenarios for marital re-coupling.  So, although multiple marriage seems to be on the decline because people wait later to get married or choose not to get married, more adults are remarrying…even if for the second time around.

It surely will be fascinating to watch remarriage trends in the future…for better or for worse.

Taking the Fifth

A must-read for anyone thinking about getting married. Interview with multiple marrier Pam Evans by Karynne Summars, Author/Executive Movie Producer

No, I am not referring to the 5th Amendment or Beethoven’s Fifth. But then what?

Meet author Pamela Evans who has taken the fifth – husband, that is. Her book Ring Exchange is her story about -what she calls- a serial marrier.

Pam and I met recently at a media event and I immediately liked her. She is beautiful, articulate and has a great personality. I at first thought that she belonged to the event host and was planted amidst us to warm up the group before we would continue to the next step of having to stand in front of a camera and being asked impromptu questions. She was quick to volunteer to be the first to get up and talk. In a bubbly and totally uninhibited way she told us in a few words that she is a serial marrier and just took the fifth husband. Really? I thought, smiling broadly at her. I want to hear more about this story. I had no idea what to expect. A black widow maybe? I guess my imagination was running wild. Why would anyone get married five times? Then Elizabeth Taylor and some other celebrities came to mind.

The logical realistic side of me quickly tried to assess what it would be like to go through four divorce procedures with all the usual legal paperwork and dividing the joint assets. I guess the banker in me came out immediately recalling what some of my clients had gone through when they divorced and things got ugly. You have no idea how many times I was asked by clients if I could hide their assets somewhere when a divorce was looming. These people had some creative ideas how they imagined I could help them so that they would not have to part with their money. There is enough material for a highly entertaining drama novel for me to write next. Just saying…

Knowing that I would never put myself through five marriages, I wondered what was behind Pam’s motivation to do so. Hoping to shed some light on why get married rather than just live with the person if the first and second marriages didn’t work out, I asked Pam to answer a few questions, which I am sure many of you may also want to know the answers to. And, by the way, I also met Pam’s fifth husband who joined us for the social part of the event one evening. What a lovely couple. I can only hope that this is it for both of them. Let the fifth be a charm in this case. Here is the enlightening interview with the amazing Pam Evans.

Read more: http://marsocial.com/2014/04/taking-the-fifth/

5 Marriages Later, This Woman Has Advice You Need to Hear

by Vicki Santillano, WorldLifestyle Magazine

The first time Pamela Evans got engaged, she was a junior in high school eager for freedom and independence. Six years after getting hitched, they divorced, and Evans moved quickly into another relationship. "I was too afraid to be alone, and I linked my self-worth and desire for emotional and financial security to another human being… my husband," she explained.

The Relationship Cycle Begins

Seven years later, she was divorced again and living across the country in California. Before it was finalized, she moved in with another man who would become her third husband. "That marriage lasted five years until I left our home with my belongings in garbage bags to escape his escalating emotional and physical abuse," she shares. At that point, she was 42 years old, working in Silicon Valley, and dealing with the aftermath of her failed marriages.

Her fourth marriage, this time with a family friend who comforted her after the abusive ex, was short-lived.

13 years later, after being together for over 8 years (and after taking several years to be single in order to reflect and transform herself), she married her fifth and current husband.

She also turned her journey as a "Multiple Marrier" into a book (Ring EXchange — Adventures of a Multiple Marrier), a website, and a way to provide advice and guidance to people all over who find themselves on a carousel of relationships without really understanding why.

 

What Led Her to Become a Multiple Marrier, in Her Words:

I was extremely young and inexperienced in relationships and in life.

I made impulsive decisions, following my "gut" rather than using knowledge and self-awareness as my barometers.

I set myself up for a subservient role in my marriages and always found myself in co-dependent relationships.

I submerged my identity and personal self-worth to a marriage partner.

I didn't vet myself thoroughly to determine my values, never learned to set boundaries, never developed interests outside of work and the relationship, and didn't know how to "make my own sunshine."

I didn't vet my partners at all. I didn't observe how they handled finances; how they handled success or failure; how they treated their family, friends, and co-workers; if they had control or security issues; or how they felt about my wanting to grow and evolve.

A Pattern That"s All Too Common

When you hear that someone's been married five times, admit it — you make assumptions about that person. You judge and speculate, whether you mean to or not. But when you find out the inner workings and circumstances that led to each relationship's beginning and end, it seems awfully relatable, doesn't it? Being so in love that you ignore major differences, following your heart instead of your brain, going for what you think you need rather than what you really want…

Read more: http://www.worldlifestyle.com/inner-world/5-marriages-later-woman-has-advice-you-need-hear

Chapter 1 – What’s in a Name?

Better to see the face than to hear the name. — Anonymous

Hello! I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Pamela Anderson Bigsbee Kundera Evans —and, oh, what the heck, let’s throw in my maiden name, Brown, before the Anderson, just for good measure.

Have you ever seen such a string of surnames in all your life? No, I’m not royalty. But, as I came to find out, I am actually a descendant of royalty, so I guess I’ve earned the right to have all those last names. Yes, through my mother’s paternal heritage I’m related to Lucretia Rudolph Garfield, the wife of the 20th US President. She has a royal ancestral list as long as your arm, including, but not limited to, Emperor Rudolph I of Germany (1218-1291).

So, if we’re all connected anyway, we have the right to make as many linkages to as many folks as we want to. But thank goodness for the “by marriage” part after the names.
Until now, I had decided not to change my current last name in any way. Enough was enough! Having been Pamela Anderson once, and now possessing a name that somewhat resembled that of Linda Evans of Dynasty fame, retaining Evans added that star appeal in my surname line up. Why give it up?

And, now that I myself am rapidly approaching my first Social Security payout day, I’m wondering if the SSA will be able to find me. What if they send my monthly check to “the other” Pamela Anderson, down there in Hollywood, instead? Then I’m screwed! But that may be a moot point if there are no Social Security funds to distribute by then, anyway. Well, that’s another subject entirely.

I have a close girlfriend (let’s call her Cynthia) who has a string of last names like me; actually, she has one more last name than I. Many people know we are friends, but very few know we are kindred souls in that area of multiple “married” names. Even my friend’s present-day husband had no idea about all Cynthia’s previous surnames until the night before they were to head to the courthouse to complete their marriage license paperwork. Luckily for Cynthia, her fifth husband-to-be was understanding and didn’t back out. In fact, they have been living happily ever after for almost 20 years as husband and wife.

But I’m sure the “what-ifs” ran rampant through Cynthia’s mind that morning as she was preparing for the drive to the Marriage License Office. She felt her husband-to-be was still processing this new, shocking revelation and could change his mind. Cynthia’s hopes for a better future could have been dashed in an instant. She told me if he asked her the question, “Are there any more husbands you haven’t told me about?” she was simply going to say, “I’ll take the Fifth. And, baby, you’re it!”

Now, really. Think about that. What’s in a name, indeed!

Well, one more story about this friend. Cynthia confided in me that the absolute lowest point in her life came on the day she was pulled over for speeding. I said, “You mean to tell me that was one of the worst things that ever happened to you? Boy, then you’ve lived a sheltered life!” Cynthia jumped right back into the conversation with, “OK, imagine this scene. I was tooling along in my car and before I knew it, a CHP (California Highway Patrolman) approached me, his siren blaring, and leaned into my front window. He asked me if I knew I was speeding. I remember being courteous and cooperative. As I expected, he insisted on running my driving record. When he walked back to my car with the printout, I still didn’t know if I would be nailed or not. The cop had a puzzled look on his face. Then the interrogation began… “Are you Cynthia Smith?” I said “Yes, I am.” He then asked, “Who is Cynthia Lemmons?” “Oh, that’s me, too,” I said. “What about Cynthia Hendrick?” “That’s me,” and so on… When he made it to the end of the list of names, he chuckled, “I’ve never known anyone to have this many married last names.”

At this point, Cynthia collapsed in the driver’s seat, rested her head on the steering wheel, and burst out in tears. Then she got (and perhaps deserved) the speeding ticket, which was the icing on the cake. “It took a bit to regain my composure before I proceeded to ease on down the road.” But she said that this encounter over a speeding violation haunted her for some time. Cynthia promised, Number 1… since she was already a law-abiding individual, never to have a brush with the law again, and Number 2… to ensure she stayed in her present marriage. No more name changes, no more embarrassment, no more shame.

Like my friend Cynthia, I’ve had a few low points in my life. However, I was never brought to tears, thank God, over the name thing. I guess for me, it just became so tedious to always be tap-dancing around the truth or deciding in a split-second (as my life became like an episode of Perry Mason) to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Here’s the first low point. I had a very responsible position at a large, well-known high-tech company in Silicon Valley from the late 1980s through the 1990s. In fact, I had a twelve-year stint there. Isn’t it downright funny that I managed to stay at one company longer than in any of my marriages? How’s that for real stability? Anyway, during the time I worked there, I had three different last names. I’ll never forget when a colleague, who later became CEO of another large Silicon Valley corporation, said to me, “Pam, I’ve known you by three last names since you’ve been at this company. When I run into you, I don’t know what to call you anymore.” I replied, “Why not stick with Pamela? That’s safe.” Although that gentleman’s unnecessary reminder of my unsuccessful marital path made me uncomfortable, I decided the best thing to do was to make a joke about it.

If I stopped to think about the situation, the whole thing was rather odd. Who wouldn’t wonder, “What in the world is going on with this woman’s personal life?” So from then on, every time I ran into that guy at the office, we would simply make a joke about my marriages. It kind of made my day. On the positive side, I had actually developed a unique personal brand with him. On the negative side, if I were to contact him today, he might have difficulty sorting through the name thing and never respond to my email or LinkedIn request because he didn’t recognize who I was. Oh, well, he’s mega-rich and probably retired anyway… so much for that contact.

At a later time and at a different company, I remember the next low point that transpired because of my past transgressions. I was on an international business trip with a group of colleagues. I’ll never forget the sinking feeling in my stomach when, as we were standing in an immigration line at a foreign airport, one of them blurted out, “Hey, Pam, are you married?” I said no, and he quickly responded, “Have you ever been married?” to which I said yes.

I was praying for him to please stop the questioning, as I definitely didn’t want to go any further with this. But with a big grin on his face, he kept prying for answers. “How many times have you been married?” Despite my jet lag and frustration with this particular conversation in this particular forum at this particular time, I quipped right back, “More than once and less than five.” You would have thought he would stop … “No, really, Pam, how many times?” So I gave him a number, any number that sounded good at the time. He felt compelled to say, “Well, my wife and I have been married for 16 wonderful years.” I took this to mean he thought the two of us had differing values, and that my values weren’t acceptable to him.
I could be dead wrong, but from his reaction that day, I was certain this knowledge played into his assessment of me as a person. He probably thought I couldn’t possibly be a suitable leader. Interestingly enough, our family values are probably not different at all, just our life circumstances.

This kind of reception around the dreaded marriage question has taunted me for years. It’s sort of like my fear of flying. I don’t really expose my fear to too many people (although I guess I have now!), but it is there, tucked away deep inside. Only a few close friends and family members know the truth. Most have been thoughtful and kind enough not to slip those personal foibles into our conversations. However, some have done so intentionally. So be it. And since I don’t want to be on the psychological edge any longer, I’m spilling the beans now about me, myself, and I. I don’t have any other skeletons in my closet… just that one.

And I’m also quite aware of the fact that the legal, permanent record of surnames will never go away. You know, it’s worse than bankruptcy, because at least after seven years, there is no more record of those financial errors. But the “until death do us part” legacy is like a permanent rubber stamp, literally, and it continues to show up everywhere I go! Well, I’m getting over it!

One day, just like in the Hollywood hit movie Hangover, I awakened in a strange place in my life, opened my eyes, shook my head and looked around. How in the world did a nice person like me get here? Is there some way to retrace my steps, so I can see which of my actions led to what circumstances so I can figure out how I landed in my current station in life, where — unbelievably — I had acquired four ex-husbands before my 50th birthday?

But I never stopped to look back, always chose to go forward without much reflection. I plan to deal with all of this in Chapter 2.

But back to the name changes. Just because you do a game change doesn’t mean you have to do a name change. Had I simply kept only my maiden name, and not added my four married names after each divorce, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion. After all, to be practical, just how many surnames can one fit — on a luggage tag, on a mailbox, on an application? Five is a bit much!

A thought-provoking article was recently published by The Atlantic Wire entitled“Women Are Still Being Judged for Not Taking Their Husbands’ Last Names” [http://news.yahoo.com/women-still-being-judged-not-taking-husbands-last-181930123.html ]. A 2006 survey taken at an unidentified Midwestern university revealed that the student respondents were three times more likely to say that if a woman didn’t take her husband’s last name upon marriage, she was less committed to him and their future together.

I hate to burst the student population’s bubble at that academic institution, but obviously, my eagerness to assume my new husbands’ last names each time I said “I do” didn’t ensure long-term commitment on my part. I wonder what would have happened if I had done the hyphenated thing, or had just held on to my maiden name to begin with? Since I followed conventional wisdom and tradition, I’ll never know if I would have been more or less committed to my spouses because I chose their name over my own. Chances are that going the his-and-hers name route wouldn’t have made an ounce of difference in my situations. Lord knows, I couldn’t have been less committed when the going got tough. With that said, since we are now living in a civilized 21st-century society, you should make your own decision and do what works best for you. Choose the last name that you’ll enjoy following you around for years. And, I mean, years!

Lesson Learned: For my women readers: If you think you might have more than one marriage (and I truly hope you don’t), seriously consider retaining your maiden name, unless it is one you absolutely abhor. Now for the men: You have a great advantage, since you don’t add a new surname each time you marry. Good for you!

Another Lesson Learned: Try transforming (what seems like) the negative aspect of your history into your special positive brand. I talk about this in Chapter 10. You are unique, you are special and a little humor goes a long way in defusing what could be a potentially explosive situation when and where too many questions will be asked.

Ring EXchange – Finally Getting it Right: Life Lessons from a Multiple Marrier – Second Edition is now available online as an e-book (all formats) and paperback at http://www.ring-exchange.com/book/buy-now/.

If Learning is a Lifelong Process, I Want to Be a Student Forever!

If learning is a lifelong process, then multiple marriers (those married 3 times or more) have a chance along the journey to study the behaviors and patterns that got them onto the marry-go-round, learn from their mistakes, make positive changes and move forward to a new, more solid state of happiness. 

But oftentimes, multiple marriers seek a “better suited” partner to couple with as soon as they divorce--but before they do the necessary self-reflection that could result in a healthy, balanced and successful relationship in the future.  And thus, their cycle of marrying and divorcing continues without their doing the work that would lead to knowledge about why they're caught in the multiple marrier syndrome. 

Other multiple marriers, after repeated attempts at marriage, decide to step aside completely from seeking further partnerships because of their fear of failure. More importantly, they never acknowledge the reasons why they have reached this saturation point where they are ready to just give up trying.

As a multiple marrier who finally took several years to get to know myself, my plea to other multiple marriers is that they take “alone time” after a failed marriage to invest in themselves. Practice self-love, do some self-exploration and research the findings about why people become multiple marriers--in order to "rise from the ashes" of repeated failed marriages with a renewed and joyful sense of self. 

The main objective of honest self-assessment is to, once and for all, see yourself as an independent being who does not have to define yourself through a marital partner. Also, you will no longer feel the need to validate yourself by being in a marriage.  You will, in other words, know that you are enough, by yourself.

My fourth marriage ended in divorce in 2000.  It was several years after that before I finally chose to take the time to look honestly at myself and my emotions, behaviors and patterns around marriage.  I must admit, it takes objectivity and courage; there's no sugarcoating that fact!  I had to go through the emotionally painful process of studying my past actions and decisions that had set me on the path to multiple marriage and had kept me on that path for 29 long years.  My learnings and curiosity helped me ferret out the “aha!s” that would allow me to correct the personality issues and mistaken relationship assumptions that had blocked me from developing and continuing healthy relationships.  I healed myself and got on the road to seeking the “art of happiness” in my life, with or without a partner.

The moral of the story here?  It’s never too late to learn.  Learning about the reasons for multiple marriages and why I found myself in that category was and is, indeed, a process.  Learning to really know myself and becoming comfortable with "me, myself and I" has occurred in tandem with the knowledge I've acquired about multiple marriage.   

I hope to continue my education in the area of creating healthy relationships, marriage and more importantly, self-awareness.  One is never too old to learn.  You can "teach an old dog new tricks"--and that's the fun of it all!

What’s Up with the Numbers Game?

Since I am a multiple marrier, also referred to as a serial marrier (a person who has been married three or more times), I have often had to play the numbers game – like it or not. 

When I am the recipient of the dreaded question, “Pam, how many times have you been married?,” my fight-or-flight responses kick into action during the nanosecond it takes for me to find the "right" answer to this impertinent inquiry.  But, since I am an admitted People Pleaser, I feel compelled to give the questioner a truthful answer rather than snidely replying,  “None of your beeswax.” So I command my ever-declining brain cells to go into overdrive doing a variety of marriage calculations.  I tell my mind (as if I'm addressing the computer Hal from the movie 2001, A Space Odyssey) to offer me a response that will satisfy the questioner. 

In a stressful situation like this, I could have a knee-jerk reaction and just throw the dice, take whatever number appears and put it out there as the "correct" answer to the question of how many times I've been married.  But, knowing that I’m in control and  have “free will,”  I can choose the number of marriages Hal reports back...give or take a few. 

Don’t get me wrong.  At my core, I’m an honest person. I really do want to tell "the whole truth and nothing but the truth."  However, experience has proven that if I give someone the "wrong" answer to this question, I could be ridiculed, judged, talked about or, even worse, dismissed as a person who lacks credibility, not to mention character, honesty, and values. As one can imagine, this uncomfortable scenario has played out for me in social situations countless (no pun intended) times.  Becoming my own personal marriage “bean counter” when this happens is now old-hat.  I should have studied to be a CPA like my Dad; those number skills would have come in handy! 

And, since I don’t like surprises except for Christmas and birthdays, when I’m totally taken aback and have no time to wake up my brain, I might respond,  “Well, to answer your 'How many times have you been married?' question, I will only say, more than one and less than five.”  Then usually the questioner pauses, somewhat satisfied.  We both smile and change the conversation. The super-persistent, though, will insist on pressing the matter, and then I’m forced to return to my complex counting exercises.

I’ve often asked myself, “Why would someone want to put me on the spot with such a question?” OK I’ll admit that in a private discussion, it would be acceptable to ask a question like this. But in the middle of a cocktail party, when the cast of characters may include your friends, your enemies and other outliers, is this conversation really necessary?  I have to wonder, is the questioner trying to see if I will pass their values test?  Is he seeking a tantalizing tidbit to confirm his initial assessment of me?  Does she wish to explore my personal life to see how it compares with hers?  Is he trying to embarrass me?  I never really know the motive behind another person’s need to pry.

After decades of justifying my checkered marriage record to others in various social settings,  I finally decided to peel back all the layers of my life's "onion."  Once and for all, I just had to find out why I, unlike my friends who are not in the multiple marrier category, feel compelled to explain my past life.  After all, I'm not deceased yet!  One day I awakened, like the character Doug in the movie The Hangover (there are sequels, too) and asked myself, how did I become a multiple marrier?

I just came across an article in the March 2013 issue of More magazine entitled “9 Ways to be Married,” by Doren Allen, about nine women who had chosen to tie the knot in sometimes unconventional ways.  One was a “serial marrier” named Cindy; she seemed like someone I could relate to!  For that matter, I had to applaud Cindy for her courage in“coming out of the closet,” as I did in my new book, Ring EXchange – Adventures of a Multiple Marrier.  In plausible reasons, Cindy explained why she had chosen to marry three times.  I’m happy to report that her present marriage is a "lucky charm,” as she is now in a healthy, balanced relationship with her third spouse. 

My third marriage was far from a lucky charm, and my fourth marriage resulted in failure, too.  But for the last 13 years I have been single, which has given me time to reflect.  Cindy's reasons for her first two marriages were: desire to leave her parental home, and, seeking security.  Those same two reasons are also on my list below, although the other motivators for my decisions to marry were different from hers.

Reason for my first marriage:  Wanted to leave home

Reason for my second marriage: Wanted social status

Reason for my third marriage:  Loneliness

Reason for my fourth marriage:  Seeking security

My first step in discovering how I qualified to wear the multiple marrier's “scarlet letter” for a fourth time was understanding the reasons why I had chosen to marry each time.  Beyond that, it was critical that I did some self-discovery, exploring my personality type and behavioral patterns that ran even deeper than the motivations themselves.  Interviewing other male and female multiple marriers was part of this exploration process.  When I learned that deep in my psyche was a basic fear of loneliness, a spiritual need to be a Good Samaritan, an inability to set boundaries, a lack of a sense of belonging that went back to childhood, along with a Pavlov’s dogs-type of impulsive behavior thrown into the mix -- well, that was my real aha moment!  I discovered I could actually break the patterns that had contributed to my poor marital choices and impulsive decisions, if I understood and addressed the personal traits that set me up for repeated, disappointing outcomes in my marriages. 

I finally realized that in each of my four marriages, I was the one constant that had needed to change!  My husbands certainly shared accountability for the divorces, but had I taken more ownership for myself, I could probably have saved two of my marriages and prevented the other two from happening altogether.

In terms of conquering a feeling of loneliness, as much as I truly am a people-person, I’ve finally learned to relish solitude.  I gain peace and strength from the ability to enjoy being with ME.  I don’t see myself as an emotionally needy person any longer.   What a freeing experience that is!

Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a giving, helpful person by nature.  But I look at my motivation for once being overly generous and nurturing, and now I balance that against my own needs.  I don’t neglect myself anymore.

My sense of belonging comes down to defining myself through myself first.  In the past, I defined myself through my spouses, hoping their happiness would boomerang back to me and make me/us whole.  I no longer feel the urge to solely link my happiness to another’s well-being, lifestyle, wants or needs.  I make my own sunshine!

Finally, I still purchase a dress or pair of shoes on impulse from time to time.  I like small rushes of joy, I suppose.  But when it comes to major decisions, I study, I gather information, I step back, I think analytically (I don’t lead with my emotions) and most of all, I take time to make sound and practical decisions. I don’t have too many more years to make big mistakes, as I won’t have time to correct them.  Smile.

Finally, here's a question I’m starting to get, now that the cat is out of the bag about my being a multiple marrier:  “Pam, would you marry yet again?" My politically correct response is, "I’m open to the possibility,"  because I've learned that flexibility in life is key.  But, if and when I do decide to marry again, I will base that decision on thoughtful consideration and true awareness, so that "taking the Fifth" will be my very last walk down the aisle!

The Natural Nurturer’s Dilemma

In childhood, Twos learned to become "little nurturers," and believed love was available only if they helped others. What would happen if you loved yourself unconditionally today?  -- The Enneagram Institute

The Enneagram is comprised of a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number on the Enneagram denoting one particular type.  Each of us emerges from childhood with a dominant personality, although it is common to see a bit of oneself in each of the nine types.

I’ve tested as a Two on the Enneagram. This comes as no surprise to me.  My natural tendencies point strongly in this direction.  I became a little nurturer to my younger sister when my Mother died, a bigger nurturer when my half-sisters were born, and a giant nurturer by the time I became a young adult.

Interestingly enough, the designation of "nurturer" has accompanied me into middle age.  But you know, I earned it, and I deserve it…that label, “People Pleaser.”

I find it fascinating that, although I learned to stand on my own (become self- reliant) at an early age and take responsibility for many aspects of my life, I never acknowledged or accepted the fact that I had to take responsibility for nurturing myself.

In short, I never considered how satisfying and freeing it might be to love myself, just myself!   In my view, that was someone’s else’s job.  As a result, I have spent many years working diligently to ensure that my family, friends, teachers, managers, co-workers, and, yes, of course, my spouses would love me back when I expressed my "unconditional” love toward them. 

In terms of a relationship, whether romantic or not, I convinced myself  that if I made an effort to acquiesce to others’ requests and desires, no matter how great or how small, I could create so much harmony that it would lead directly to a fulfilling, loving relationship. My return on investment would be quite straightforward: I would be the recipient of the other party’s kindness, compassion and love.   

But, surprise! That unconditional love I craved so much wasn’t always the end result, even after sometimes extraordinary efforts.  However, despite repeated disappointments, I kept forging ahead, practicing the same “overly nurturing” behavior and seeking love, approval and acceptance from basically anyone and everyone I came in contact with.  I always took the passenger’s seat in relationships and was quite comfortable letting the other party do the driving.

One of my greatest lessons in life has been that as a “natural nurturer,” a Two on the Enneagram (meaning that I tend to make others my first priority), I have deliberately minimized my own chances for personal happiness.  I have often refused opportunities to make my own sunshine and to impact relationships in a confident and positive way because I was so overly focused on others' happiness.  It was so much easier, and more natural, for me to wait for the proverbial relationship crumbs that I was used to having thrown my way.

Is one of the reasons my past relationships and marriages have failed because I nurtured others too much at the expense of nurturing myself?   I truly believe so.  I often wonder, what might have happened had I asserted myself early on?  Maybe I would not have had four unhappy and unbalanced marriages; and, as a side benefit, I would now have a much smaller, less complicated paper trail to explain!  Perhaps at least one of my marriages would have had a good chance to succeed, if I had expressed my desire for a fair and equal position in the relationship, rather than always assuming the subservient role.

Think about it. Are you focused on your own happiness within a relationship or marriage as much as on your partner's happiness? Doesn't a balanced, healthy relationship sound better than one where you spend 100 percent of your energy serving and pleasing your partner in order to secure that tiny bit of love and approval you hope will enhance and validate your sphere of happiness? 

Now I know that I can still be a nurturer at heart, while still making certain I’m managing to love myself first!  This takes work for someone like me, but I’ve made true progress.  I’m getting there.  It’s never too late to tweak yourself for the better, without losing who you are at your core!

 

 

Remembering Past Spouses

A friend of mine happened to be walking on a California beach cliff the other day, saw the inscription on this bench and thought of me.  Why?  I’m not entirely sure.  Perhaps, she thought I could write a blog about “Remembering Past Spouses”.  At first, I thought this couldn’t possibly be a fit for my favorite topic of “multiple marriage”. Obviously, a woman who was thoughtful enough to memorialize her former husbands on a park bench must have had two wonderful marriages and was now widowed twice...not divorced!  Attempting to tie this person and her message to a multiple marriage theme would, most certainly, be a stretch.  But wait!  Couldn’t there be a message about spouses who touch our lives in some way, regardless of the way they departed from our lives?  If divorce is a permanent detachment from a union that once was, then it could be considered a death -- in some sense.

I thought about how each of my former “four” husbands had influenced my life in some way, shape or form.  And, by George, the more I dug deeper into my recollection of those marriages; I had to admit that those husbands actually had contributed to my personal growth path…knowingly or unknowingly.  I must give them credit now!

Husband No. 1 practiced patience and forgiveness in his daily life.  My first husband was actually showing me the way (some 40 years ago) by his example in almost everything he did.  I did not appreciate his values and personality characteristics then, but certainly do now.  I remember these aspects of him with fondness today.

Husband No. 2 had a love for the Fine Arts.  He encouraged me to share in that joy.  So, our time together was spent planning getaway weekends to New York City to visit the plethora of museums, scout out the architectural wonders and to catch the latest theatrical productions.

Husband No. 3 exposed me to a different continent, a different culture, a different way of thinking about those having grown up outside “America the Beautiful”.  Today, I have an open and balanced view about world affairs, love international travel and crave exposure to people who are different from me.  I truly feel like a “Citizen of the Globe”, thanks to Husband No. 3.

Husband No. 4 taught me the importance of emotional and financial independence.  During that marriage, I began reading self-help books on both subjects as he was not able to partner with me in those areas.  He suggested I learn to be more “independent” and take personal action where there were gaps in my life that needed to be filled.

As one multiple marrier (interviewed for my book) reminded me, “Pam, there must have been some good in each of your marriages”.  And, indeed, there was.  I realize that each of our spouses brings something unique into our lives, whether nor not our marriages were fulfilling.

So, to all those past spouses “Remembering” is something I must do from time to time, while acknowledging the contribution you made to my personal development and to who I am today.

Case Study #1 for RingEXchange book - Sally

Sally has been married four times.   Now in her 50s, she is a cyber crime expert and describes herself as "married yet again, but I'm sure this is my last marriage."

Sally's  parents divorced when she was 8; she was one of four children. "Although I remember my parents fighting when I was small, even then I kept hoping I would have a happy marriage one day,"  she recalls. Right after divorce proceedings started, her Mom moved Sally and her sister from New England to Southern California, to be near a good friend.  The three moved around quite a bit and finally settled in Oxnard, California, where Sally went to school from 4th grade through high school.   "Mom would be in a good mood one minute, and a bad mood the next.  I think she was bipolar, but back then it wasn't cool to have a mental illness, so my sister and I dealt with her as best we could."

Sally continues, "My childhood was slightly unhappy.   Before the divorce, we were upper-middle-class, but in California we were on welfare.  I had hand-me-downs and homemade clothes.  I was also sick a lot.  But I became an honor student, a science fair winner, a total nerd.  I was bullied a lot and didn't have too many friends.  Then I skipped my junior year in high school , and in my senior year, I was chosen class secretary, wrote a column for the local newspaper, entered a beauty contest, and was on the drill team.  That year, I had a lot of friends!"

Looking back at her history of relationships, Sally says her first kiss was in the 4th grade.  The boy (now a man) who gave her that kiss contacted her a year ago and asked if she remembered; she didn't!  In elementary school, Sally recalls sneaking out of class to kiss "older" boys who were in the 6th grade.  But in junior high school, she had her first serious romantic relationship, with a tall, handsome, blond-haired boy.  When they went to different high schools, they parted ways.  In high school, Sally briefly became engaged to someone else -- she says her mother was NOT amused by this.  But in senior year, that boy moved to Oklahoma and they broke up. 

After Sally moved back East following high school graduation, she worked at a local restaurant and "had a huge crush on the guitar player in the house band." He was a few years older, and they started dating.  Within a year, they were married by a justice of the peace, with a formal church ceremony "for the family" about a month later.  Sally was 19.  "I had no idea what attributes I was looking for in a marriage partner.  I was young and foolish; he was in a rock band.  Need I say more?"  But then reality set in:  Sally got sick of being on the road with the band, and she and her husband realized that they had fun but they weren't really in love.  Three years later, they split up, amicably.  "We really did remain friends," she comments.

After this, Sally decided she wanted to eventually find the perfect man who had a good career, and have the traditional "little house with a white picket fence."  At 26  -- she had been divorced five years earlier -- she married again, but..."He kept his alcoholism hidden very well.  Also, it turned out that he'd cheated on me, both before AND after our marriage.  Four months after we got married, we left a Halloween party and went home.  He was drunk, began to slap me around, and then tried to strangle me.  I told everyone I was NEVER going to get married again!"

But then..."A friend was singing with a house band and asked me to come to her opening night.  I told her I thought the bass player was cute, and she introduced us on her next break.  He was handsome, funny, and caring.  We became a couple soon after that.  He asked me to marry him five months later, and I did.  I was 31 years old.  He was the first person I dated after I got divorced from my second husband."

Sally goes on, "Then he joined the Marines.  And that's when my life changed.  He had dark moods when he'd get really depressed, but we tried to work through them.  After he got out of the Marines, he went into his family's business.  But in 2006, his dad got cancer.  My husband started drinking every day and ended up in the hospital himself.  I wanted us to see a marriage counselor, but he wasn't keen on that.  We had been married almost 20 years, and I hoped we could save our marriage."

And then, "I had to go to a speaking engagement in New York.  His dad had died the day before.  When I got home, I discovered that my husband had killed himself.  I was devastated."

"About a year after this happened," Sally recalls, "a friend who worked for a dating site kept telling me I was too young to be alone.  So I finally relented, signed up, and eventually met my current husband through the site.  I married him in 2008, when I was 50."

What does Sally now think an "ideal marriage" is?  "Actually, there is no ideal marriage," she says.  "Yes, I finally do have that little house (but no white picket fence), stepkids (who don't live with us), and a dog.  But it's not perfect.  He sometimes does thoughtless things, but I've come to realize it's because he's a man, and they're wired so differently from women.   I've grown to appreciate his good points, such as when he picks flowers from the garden for me, or when he made a wood table and carved 'I love you' with a heart on it for me.  We do have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, and sometimes we get along so well, we say we must be from the same family."

In closing, Sally says, "If I were asked to give advice to someone about to get married for the first time, I would say -- I hope your marriage lasts a long time, but if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world, no matter how bad it seems at the time.  Give marriage another go!" 

Case study #2 for Ring EXchange book - Marilyn

Marilyn has been married four times.  In her late 60s, she has a Ph.D., teaches writing classes and the occasional management seminar.  She and her current husband are now retired and blending their responsibilities for children and grandchildren with community activities and interests.  She comments about her current marriage, "Got it right this time!"

Marilyn, who grew up in a rural area of upstate New Hampshire, was the eldest of two children who lived with happily married parents.  The family was active in church and had cousins and friends who lived nearby.  She comments, "I had a very happy childhood.  We had a comfortable, upper-middle-class  lifestyle with lots of freedom, some responsibilities, and many activities outside of school.  We did change schools often because of the redistricting that went on, but we stayed in the same house."

As for when Marilyn's first boyfriend appeared on the scene, she recalls, "That was in the fifth grade. I actually had several proposals from boys I walked to grade school with. I was quite impressed with that! Dating, and my first serious romantic relationship, came in junior high." 

Marilyn was engaged for the first time at age 19, and married at 20 -- interestingly enough, she was one of the last people in her high school class to marry.  At the time, the qualities she was looking for in a marriage partner were:  ethnic, religious, and educational similarity, attractive, common interests.  But at 19, she had a pretty vague idea of what an "ideal marriage" might be -- equal partners, mutual support, lots of friends, activities we could do together.

Her first marriage lasted 18 years and, as Marilyn remarks, "I spent years and years trying to make that marriage work.  So I experienced a lot of guilt feelings about the fact that I was unhappy.  Basically, my first husband was a nice, responsible man.  In fact, we're still friends, and the kids love him.  But he's a scientist and not in touch with ordinary reality.  I was often lonely, and the loneliness led to my fooling around.  But then I would feel so guilty after doing that, I knew I would have to leave the marriage in order to be able to live with myself from a moral point of view."

Marilyn continues, "After my first divorce, I couldn't wait to get into a more positive relationship.   In hindsight, what happened was that I rushed into a second marriage, with someone I thought would be fun.  It turned out that he was an alcoholic, and the alcoholism ultimately took his life when he was just 48.  We had been married for 14 years.  Before he died, he really did a lot of damage -- to me, to the kids, and to our budget."

After her second marriage ended with the death of her husband, Marilyn never said to herself, "I'll never remarry."  Instead, she just vowed to do better next time.  "Now I was very sure about what I didn't want: addicts, and absent-minded, physically absent scientists.  What I did want was a good companion, a real partner."

"Shortly after my second husband died," Marilyn goes on, "I met a widower who worked as a manager for one of my client companies.  He was bright, attractive, ethical, and interested.  We dated for a few months and then had a small family wedding.  It was 1995; I was 53."

Relating a shocking turn of events, Marilyn says, "We left for our honeymoon in Cabo San Lucas, and had a magical five days before my new husband died of a massive heart attack."

After that completely unforeseen event, Marilyn was in shock for a while.  When she decided she was ready to date again, she knew that her goal was still to find a life companion and partner, but preferably a healthy one.  She dated about eight men before becoming involved with the man who is her current husband.  They married in 1997.

Marilyn now has this picture of what comprises an "ideal marriage":  "For me, an ideal marriage means putting your partner's interests above your own, at least part of the time; being with each other's friends and family; taking a lively interest in each other's health and happiness; building memories together; planning a future together; and working together for the community, the church, and the environment.  The list of attributes I used to have for an ideal husband have evolved into some non-negotiables and a lot of negotiables that make up the ideal marriage."

Marilyn and her current husband have an activity that they call "earning martyr points"  -- for engaging in, or tolerating, any activity one partner dislikes but the other partner likes.  This is not a formal process with scorekeeping and figuring out how much a certain "sacrifice" is worth, but just an opportunity to become more aware of the other partner's likes and dislikes.  The martyr points are now more of a joke, used to ease tension when one partner is making an unreasonable request of the other.  Sometimes one partner will do an activity alone or with friends, if the other one really does not want to participate. The couple also makes an effort to find activities, such as tai chi, that both of them enjoy.

"And," she adds meaningfully," this is the magic element to an ideal marriage: Give each other a lot of space and trust."

Case Study #3 for Ring EXchange book - Vincent

Vincent has been married five times.  Now in his early 60s, he is a retired college professor and author who holds multiple B.A. degrees.   Vincent owns a private practice in the healing arts on the West Coast.  His two grown male children live in other parts of the U.S.  He says of his current relationship, "It is perfect.  We are similar in our likes and habits, despite a significant age difference."

Raised by happily married parents in a lower-middle-class background, Vincent has  a younger brother.  They had a stable life, insofar as they stayed in the same home and the boys went to the same schools.  However, Vincent describes his childhood as only moderately happy, since his mother and father were quite strict with their children.

When did he have his very first girlfriend?  "I was 14; the relationship lasted about a year."  Vincent recalls that his first romantic experience took place at age 17, and his first serious romantic relationship occurred the following year, when he was 18.  That relationship led to his first marriage, at 19 1/2.  "We met in community college.  I wanted to be responsible."

But that first marriage ended in a couple of years because Vincent caught his young wife cheating on him.  Despite that unhappy discovery, he was not disillusioned about marriage, and in fact was open to the possibility of remarrying.

And he did remarry, at 23, but that wife turned out to be mentally unstable and a crack addict;  he divorced for the second time.  Soon after the divorce, he started dating again;  one woman he was dating had a young child whom Vincent had grown very attached to (he admits, "I actually fell in love with her boy and wanted to help raise him").  He proposed to the woman, and they got married.  Although that union did not last long either, because his wife was an alcoholic, Vincent adopted her 6-year-old boy.  When his ex-wife decided to move to another state with her older child, but not with the younger boy, Vincent became a single dad. 

After his third divorce, loneliness was a big factor in Vincent's decision to start dating yet again.  This time he was 32 when he married, and that marriage lasted for 20 years.  Then "mutual disillusionment" set in.  After being involved in a bad motorcycle accident that had taken him six years to recover from, he rethought the basics of how he wanted to live.  Although his wife assumed that Vincent would continue to be a hard-driving corporate business owner, which he had been when they met, his idea of what was important to him had completely changed.  His choice was to lead retreats, establish a private practice in the healing arts, and live a more or less contemplative life.   So it became quite obvious that the couple was interested in following completely different life paths.  Eventually, they divorced. And this time, Vincent was single for eight years before he married for a fifth time. 

Vincent says that actually he has always been  looking for these attributes in all his marriage partners -- honesty, intelligence, sincerity, humor, and sexual compatibility.  But it wasn't until his current marriage partner that he found that entire combination of attributes in one person.

 

Calling the relationship "a miracle" and "delightful," Vincent says the couple has their own private "sign language" that they use at a party, for example, to alert the other partner -- from across the room -- that it's time to go home.  And they have a process that he calls "Mind Meld," where the couple literally "puts their heads together" and then tap their hearts, to show that they are in sync.

Vincent met his current wife through a mutual colleague, and remarried, for the fifth time, at age 60.  It's this marriage that, he says, is really "ideal."  He explains, "Sometimes couples have complementary styles -- as in, opposites attract.  But this is so much better, because we are very similar in our outlook and our tastes -- we even have the same songs on our iPods! After learning so many lessons from past relationships, this relationship seems effortless.  We have clear, open communication, a joyful energy, a strong friendship, and a spiritual connection that is very blessed."

Case Study #4 for Ring EXchange book – Evan (Real Name)

Evan has actually been married 14 times -- but...and here's the surprising part...each of those 14 times, he's been married to the same woman! 

A  40-year-old speaker, best-selling author, and global entrepreneur, Evan is indeed very happily married;  he and his wife have two children and a stable relationship.  They have simply chosen to affirm their love (in an unusual way) by renewing  their vows annually, each year in a different state or country.

"I was 26 when we first got married," Evan recalls, "and that's when we decided to remarry every year in a different location.  At that time we had no money and no idea how we would pull off our imaginative idea.  We just made the decision, and then found a way to make it happen."

So far, some of the places the couple has been married are: at the Versailles Garden in Paris; at a 300-year-old windmill in Germany;  in the water, surrounded by dolphins, at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas; on the beach in Washington state; at the Excalibur Hotel in Las Vegas, where they were King and Queen; on the beach in Maui, Hawaii; and in a little church with a great view in Park City, Utah. 

Evan explains further:  "One year my bride chooses where we will remarry, and the next year I do.  Half the fun is just planning the whole adventure.  This year, for example, we've decided to renew our vows in a hot air balloon over Santa Fe, New Mexico." 

Most of the couple's friends and family are very, very excited and supportive about the annual renewing of vows.  "In fact, they sort of live vicariously through us," Evan observes.  One friend, though, when he learned that Evan and Susan will do their ceremony this year in a hot air balloon, remarked, "My marriage is definitely going in the opposite direction from yours!"

Usually a pastor officiates at the annual marriages for Evan and his bride, but one year they asked a good friend to preside over the ceremony.  "It was a blessing, to him and to me," Evan comments. 

So far there have been no complications, from a legal or tax standpoint, to the annual vow renewals.   "We have our original marriage license from our first wedding in our home state, California. So we don't apply for paperwork in other states because we're only renewing the original vows we made."

Evan was born in California to parents who divorced when he was about 4 years old.   After the divorce, during the week he and his brother stayed with his mother and went to his father's house on the weekends.  "I had a great childhood," Evan recalls, "but I didn't know how much damage the divorce had done until I was in my mid-30s.  I had really needed a father figure when I was a kid, and my dad simply wasn't around."  Evan's mother never remarried;  his father remarried,  then divorced, and is now married for a third time.

Evan and his brother grew up in a very happy, middle-class background.  "We had the stability of staying at the same school.  Mom moved to a condo about 10 miles away from our original home, and she made sure we were loved and very well taken care of."

As a young person, Evan had his first romantic experience in high school, and his first serious romantic relationship a few years later, when he was 19.  "The woman I was involved with was a little older, more established and much more mature than I.  Thank goodness this situation did not lead to marriage!  The relationship was founded only on physical pleasure, and that only lasts so long."

When Evan was younger, the attributes he was looking for in a marriage partner are not necessarily what he needs and wants now, at 40.  "My bride and I have grown together, and that's good, to be in a mutual growth process."

As for his picture of an "ideal marriage" before he got married: "I definitely did not want to be one of those guys who get married and then become fat and miserable.  I knew that I wanted to live my dreams, and also to live 'happily ever after' with my wife."

Now, Evan says he has a new picture of what an "ideal marriage" is.  "My bride and I still live 'happily ever after,'  but the seasons of life are constantly changing -- what with raising children, moving, career demands.  So I think that an ideal marriage is something that responds to the changing seasons of life.  After you have children, everything changes! We don't have the same quantity of time to spend with each other that we did before the kids came along, so instead we focus on the quality of time we can spend together.  We didn't want to look at each other after the kids are grown and say, 'Who are you?'"

Case Study #5 for Ring EXchange book - Barbara

Barbara has been married five times.  A 60-year-old tech writer with degrees in Engineering and Biblical Studies, her hobbies are "spending time with kids and old people."  She is originally from New York, but now lives in California.  Barbara has been happily married to her fifth husband, who is ten years younger than she, for sixteen years.

During her childhood, Barbara grew up in a middle-class home; she has one brother.  Her father was a factory worker, and her mother was a seamstress.  "There was a lot of hurt, because my father was abusive to my mother. And I remember them fighting all the time."  Her parents divorced when she was 9, and her mother's economic status rapidly went downhill, from middle-class to "poor."  Barbara only saw her dad a couple of times a year, and that made her sad, because she missed him.  She and her mother and brother always stayed in the same town while she was growing up, but relocated to different homes several times within that town.

At the age of 11, Barbara was sent off to work as a tailor's apprentice, and stayed at that job until she was 16. Child labor laws were certainly ignored at that New York tailor's shop. The tailor abused her sexually for years, but Barbara did not tell anyone about it for a long time.  The abuse, however, caused her to have many fears and feelings of guilt that stayed with her. 

For part of each year, Barbara was sent to live with her aunt in Bermuda, where she was quite happy.

Her first boyfriend in junior high used to eat lunch with her in the school cafeteria.  In high school, Barbara dated a football player -- she was a sophomore, and he was a senior.  The first time Barbara married, she was 19 and in college.  She had a son, who is now 39, with her first husband, but the couple divorced two years later.  She was 22 when she married the second time, and the union lasted for eleven years.  Her third, very brief, marriage was at 35.   Barbara's fourth marriage at 37 also produced a son, who is now 22.  Each time she was divorced, it was her husband who filed;  Barbara was the one who packed up and left. 

When she met the man who is now her fifth husband, she was sure she was "done with marriage."  But he convinced her to think otherwise.  The night before they were going to get married in 1995, her husband-to-be was under the impression that she had been married once or twice before.  He definitely did not realize that she had been married four other times!  Barbara was afraid of what he would say when he saw all four of her previous last names on the application for the marriage license.  So, hours before they were about to head to the marriage license office, she "came clean" and told him the exact number of her previous marriages.  He was cool with the disclosure, assured her it was okay and that everything would be just fine.

Here is a humorous example that clearly shows how considerate and thoughtful Barbara's current husband is:  "We went to a dear friend's wedding.  We had been there since early morning, helping with preparations, and now we were sitting at the wedding reception.  Lovely music was playing.  My husband invited me to dance, but I quickly declined.  He gently asked, 'Do your feet hurt?'  I nodded yes.  My feet were in undeniable pain.  I was wearing gorgeous, but very uncomfortable, high-heeled shoes."

"As soon as I nodded yes, my sweet husband unbuttoned his jacket and pulled out a very pretty pair of ballet slippers that were the exact color of my dress!  My mouth fell open in surprise.  He tenderly put the slippers on my feet, and we danced like a couple of teenagers for the rest of the night."

Before she got married for the first time, Barbara had no clue about what an "ideal marriage" might be like.  Now that she is in a very happy marriage, she says, "I finally know what it's like to be loved, cherished, and respected. "  Her picture of an "ideal marriage" these days is very specific:  "Two people who are already happy, satisfied, mature, thinking adults, but who could be happier if they were married.  It's so important to listen to each other, to respect each other, and to promote each other's best interests.  Do what you can for each other."